Epiphany

By Seema

Note: Written probably late 1998. Thank goodness for this one - until then, I'd been stuck in "Tears of the Prophets" mode. Reformatted November 2000.

As usual, I found myself on the floor of the holosuite, Worf's bat'leth at my neck.

"Once again," I said, trying to hid my frustration. "I surrender."

"You fought well again," Worf answered. "You are improving." He held out his hand and I accepted the gesture.
He pulled me to my feet in a strong, well-practiced move. I took a couple steps away from him to straighten my clothes and hair.

"Dinner?" he asked.

"Sure. How about that new Klingon restaurant?" I asked. "I hear the owner sings pretty well."

"As long as you do not join him in singing."

"Good, then. I will see you at the usual time."

Worf exited the holodeck and I stared after him for a long moment, before following him.

*****

"Now, Jadzia, you can't tell me that you aren't going to go out with Kael anymore," Kira followed me off the turbolift. "You two are perfect for each other."

"In your mind, perhaps," I answered, taking my usual station. "But as you know, we never agree on anything when men are concerned."

"But Kael�" Kira said in frustration. "He said he had a great time."

"He did. I didn't. Kael doesn't interest me. He's just not interesting enough, Nerys."

"I don't know about you, Jadzia," Kira said.

I smiled at her sweetly, "Kira, I am not searching for true love. I'm looking for a good time."

"Your record certainly proves it."

"Proves what?" Sisko said from behind me. I turned around to face my old friend.

"Nothing. Kira is trying to play matchmaker. Just because she and Shakaar are so happy together, she feels the need to set me up with anyone she pleases," I replied. "And she is unhappy that I am not happy with her selections."

"Ah. I should have known it was something important," Sisko said.

"Well, if Kael doesn't interest you, I'm sure I can find someone else," Kira said decisively.

"No,no," I laughed. "Please, Nerys. Let me fend for myself. I'm sure I can do quite well on my own."

Kira gave me a look - one that told me she didn't trust me for a second when it came to matters of the heart.

*****

"Of course you're right," I assured Worf that evening at dinner. "You had every right."

Worf picked at his gagh, "This isn't fresh."

"Worf," I said. "You're avoiding the subject. And I'm agreeing with you!"

Worf met my eyes for the first time.

"Sometimes I just feel like I don't belong here," he confessed.

"Of course you do," I argued. "What a silly notion! If you didn't spend all your time on the Defiant, and spent more time getting to know people, you would feel more at home."

"It was different on theEnterprise."

"You are so stubborn sometimes. I don't know why I put up with you!" I exclaimed in frustration. "Can't we have dinner without arguing?"

Worf looked at me in surprise, "Do we really argue a lot?"

I took a sip of my bloodwine, "All the time."

"I did not notice."

"I think it's because you enjoy it."

"It seems that you do not."

"There are things I would rather be doing," I answered. "But if you want to argue, we can argue."

Worf growled at me and I laughed at him.

"Eat your gagh," I told him. "It's really not that bad; the singing's worse."

*****

That night, in my quarters, I sat on the sofa, a PADD in my hand. I was hoping to analyze some data I had collected earlier that day, but my thoughts kept wandering. Finally, I stood up, restless and impatient.

"Music," I said aloud. "I need some music."

I had a penchant for forgotten composers and I quickly located one I wanted to listen to - T'Mar of Vulcan, whose melancholy compositions often lulled me to sleep.

I curled back up on the sofa, trying to concentrate on the PADD, but still I was distracted. Finally, I asked the replicator for a raktijino and stood by the window, sipping the hot brew. And for the first time in years, I felt a curious sense of loneliness. Once I finished the raktijino, I turned out the lights and went to sleep.

*****

"You missed breakfast," Worf said to me as he passed me in Ops.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I overslept," I answered.

"Oh."

Our eyes met and I felt that there was something Worf wanted to tell me, but he just nodded and moved on. Behind me, the turbolift ejected another passenger.

"Jadzia."

I twisted around, "Hello, Julian."

"I was wondering if you would have dinner with me tonight," the doctor said.

I smiled. Oh, wonderful, sweet Julian who would never be more than a friend. But I had to give him credit for his persistence.

"I don't know," I said, my eyes immediately focusing on Worf. We had been having dinner together nearly every night for the last few months and I wasn't sure if he expected my company tonight; he had certainly expected me at breakfast today.

"Can I get back to you?" I asked.

"Sure," Julian answered.

I stared at Worf for a long moment; he was talking to Odo about something. The two of them tolerated each other, since their philosophies on station security were at loggerheads. But then, Worf was stubborn about nearly everything and I guessed that was what I loved most about him.

Loved. The word shuddered through me. I pressed my hand to my forehead, trying to think clearly.

"Dax?" O'Brien approached me.

"Are you all right?"

"Fine. Fine. Something I can do for you?"

"Just some minor calculations," he handed me a PADD.

"I'll get right on these," I promised. But after O'Brien was gone, I bit my lip, looking everywhere but at Worf. Could it be possible that I was in love? Would that explain why I allowed him to defeat me during our bat'leth encounters or why I tolerated his argumentative nature during dinner?

"This is ridiculous," I said under my breath. "You can't be in love with Worf. That's not possible."

But I knew so clearly, that it was possible. The only question was, did he love me?

*****

"You're quiet today, Dax," Worf said at dinner.

"I'm thinking."

"Is there a problem?"

"I don't think so."

Worf ran his finger along the top of his goblet, before taking a sip of the bloodwine.

"I may have to cancel our duel tomorrow," he said finally. "The Cardassians are coming through on their way to the Gamma Quadrant. I want to be prepared."

"You want to cancel?" I asked, almost in shock. I canceled more often than Worf did and the possibility that I would not see him in the morning made me curiously unhappy.

"Is that all right?"

"I suppose it will have to be, right? We can reschedule."

"Good."

I bit my lip so hard that I could almost taste blood. Worf continued to talk, but I felt desperately unhappy inside.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" I asked, almost too eagerly.

"Of course," Worf answered. "In Ops."

"Oh." I chided myself for my silly question, but somehow my words weren't coming out clearly. "Then I will see you then."

*****

"Jadzia, if I didn't know you better, I would think you were in love," Kira said to me. We sat in Quark's, both of us nursing lukewarm mugs of raktijinos.

"In love?Me? Don't be ridiculous," I answered.

"I've seen that look before."

"What look?"

"The one on your face."

"Of course you have. On my face."

"No. It's that lovesick look. You have it."

"Kira, don't you have something besides my love life to think about?" I asked.

Kira smiled wickedly at me, "What's his name?"

"I'm not in love!" I exclaimed furiously enough. Apparently, it was loud enough too, so that nearly everyone around us turned to stare at me. The heat rose in my cheeks as I noticed Worf standing at the far end of the bar.

Kira stood up, "You will have to excuse me, Jadzia, but I have work to do."

"Sure," I said absentmindedly. After Kira left, I made my way over to Worf. I was determined to tell him how I felt.

"Jadzia," he said.

"Let's have a seat," I told him, taking his arm.

"All right."

"I want to tell you a story," I said as we took our seats. I launched into an old story that I thought Worf would enjoy but his attention was fixed elsewhere. I kept talking, trying to working up the courage to tell him how I felt about him.

"Jadzia," Worf broke into my narrative. "Is there a point to your story?"

I looked at him, long and hard. Tell him, tell him, I thought furiously.

"No," I said. "I just that you would enjoy it."

"You will have to excuse me," he said. "I must go. There is a matter I must attend to."

He got up and left Quark's. First, I was angry at him for leaving so abruptly and then I was angrier at myself for straying from my true intentions.

"More bloodwine, Commander?" Quark appeared at my shoulder.

"Please," I said. At least I could drown my unrequited feelings in bloodwine.

Quark reappeared with the bloodwine.

"Tongo tonight, Commander?" he asked.

"Why not?" I shrugged. At least I would be doing something with someone tonight - even if it was only Quark.

"The usual time then."

"I will be there," I promised.

*****

After the game of tongo, which left me in debt to Quark, I threw myself onto my bed. I knew Kira was right; I was desperately in love and I had to tell Worf soon, before I drove myself crazy. Instead of changing, I stalked through the halls and up to the Defiant to find Worf.

I found him in the mess hall, clearing up a dinner. There had been two place settings.

"Commander," he said. "It's late."

"I came by to say good-night," I said, still staring at the second place setting. "Did you have company?"

"Yes. Danara. Maybe you know her."

"I'm afraid I don't."

"We had a pleasant evening."

"I was wondering where you were for dinner."

"I'm sorry. I should have told you."

"It's all right. You don't have to tell me what you're doing. It's not like we're seeing each other. As more than friends, I mean."

"No," Worf said, eyeing me an intensity that I was not used to. I took a step backwards.

"Well, then," I said. "I should go back. I just wanted to see how you were."

"Wait, Commander," Worf said. He disappeared for a few minutes and I grew impatient with waiting and finally he reappeared.

"I have some new Klingon operas," he said. "I thought you might want to hear them. They are very traditional. I wish to hear your thoughts on them."

I curled my fingers around the slender gold rods, "I will listen to them tonight. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I stood there for another second, trying to force the appropriate words to come out of my mouth, but once again, my tongue failed me. Finally I settled for, "Good night, Commander."

I left the Defiant and returned to my quarters. I put on the operas he had given me and fell asleep, listening to them.

~The End~

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